Surrender and Release

"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater". ~ Nicholas Evans

In our lives, we work hard, we play hard and at the end of the day, sometimes there are difficult decisons to make. We can be in denial, we can choose to skirt the issue, but sooner or later it pops up and we need to face the reality of the situation.

In my shortsighted way, I had looked at surrendering to mean giving up. I was a born fighter and although I choose my own medium in which to fight my battles, I usually don't go down without a fight. I will fight to the end to right  the wrongs and to defend people close to me.

When I read an article by Cheryl Richardson about Learning to Surrender I started to look at it in a different way. I was holding in my heart and in my life, so tightly, the things I did not want to lose. The evolution of change and its existance is nothing new, and its a part of life.

But, I wasn't ready to go down without a fight. I held onto anger, emotions, sadness, grief and control. And while doing this, I missed out on some joyful moments, moments of clarity and opportunities for growth. So yes, I am ready to surrender to releasing those emotions that have kept me stuck for so long. Will it be easy? Hell no. But, I am on this cusp of change and I need to allow the universe, God, the Divine to guide me. After all, I did ask for help, didn't I?

Part of the surrender and release process for me occured this week. I had worked for many years in a corporate job, leaving last year due to health reasons. I realized upon leaving that the environment I was in, was not a healthy one for me and made a determination that I would never want to work an office job again. For over a year, I have held onto the anger of the situation of leaving that job. I was bitter and angry. I swore I would never sell my soul for a paycheck again.

Admittedly, I can be quite steadfast and stubborn. But, this week, as the reality set in that I need to find full time employment, even if its a temporary position,  I found that the only jobs I qualify for are in accounting and finance because of have 10 years experience in that field. My soul screamed at me for even looking at those types of jobs. It was as if the retina was burning by just seeing those old accoutning terms of accrual and general ledger. I screamed inside....NO..NO..NO!

As I perused the internet for jobs, the common theme kept occuring. Seriously? Was this some cruel trick being played by the universe? I kept in my mind what I held so dear for the last year; I am a licensed massage therapist, I am a holistic practitioner. I can't go back to an office job. I just can't.

Applying for any of them would feel dishonerable to my soul. After all, I made a promise to msyelf that I would no longer work in a corporate job.

I came face to face with this reality this week. I needed to face the reality that my dreams of being a writer, my dreams of owning my own business, of being a life coach, had to come in second to the reality that I needed a full time job that paid decently. I wasn't giving up my dreams. I wasn't giving in to pressure. I was just awakening to the possibility that because I had compared my former employment to every other job out there, I was being unfair. This new revelation did not come easy. It was after some deep soul searching, bouts of crying, bargaining with the universe and lots of praying.

It was then that I remembered Cheryl Richardson's article and revisited it once again. It gave me hope. It gave me closure. It gave me the courage to surrender and release on my own terms.

I still hold my ideas to heart. I will never ever sell my soul for a paycheck. I realized that I am a different person than I was a year ago. My resolve is that I will never ever let another person or company treat me the way I was treated. I have found my voice. I will never be silenced again. I have found my purpose and even though I will more than likely work in an office job for a paycheck, I will never give up my dreams of writing, helping others or doing what I love to do most. I know that both can co-exist together. I realize now that the reailty of having to go back in the work force made me feel unfaithful to my passion of being self-employed and living my passion.

I release and I surrender to what was, to bring in what can be. I am grateful for what was, for what is and for what will be.

May you find your own surrender and release.

With Gratitude, Donna