Do you often find yourself
're-living' certain events or situations in your life? Do you replay conversations?
Today, for some odd reason, I awoke with remembering my high school years. It was January 1981 and my parents were moving us to California. I don't quite remember the reason we were moving, but I do know it had to do with 'change'. I remember resisting every step of the way. I was a junior in high school and I didn't want to start over again.
I was painfully shy in high school, much different than how I am today. I was not the most academic perfect student, and I struggled with alot of anxiety back then that kept me out of school at times. We didn't talk about that back then, because 'anxiety' and 'panic disorders' were not 'real'. No one, not even my closest friends knew about my debilitating bouts with panic attacks.
I was a good student, got decent grades and did my best. But, I was never good enough. I remember one guidance counselor telling me, when I signed up to take the SAT's that I was wasting my time because I would never be able to get into a college, that I should just marry and have babies. I remember a particular teacher I had for typing told me that I 'would never amount to anything'. Harsh words coming from educators. Even today, those words come back to me when I fail at something I am trying.
So, I married young, had babies and never thought that I could do anything else with my life. Those words they told an impresionable young lady stood with me for many years. Whenever I thought I could try something new, those words came back to haunt me. Often times, keeping me stuck in old self-defeating patterns.
So, what has caused all of these emotions and memories I had long buried to come to life?
The 30th Class reunion being planned for this year.
I had always considered myself a part of this class; most everyone had always been kind to me. Classmates did not bully me; I was not chastised for not being in the 'in' crowd. No classmate ever made me feel inferior. It was the faculty. And my own self-image of not feeling good enough.
And in that, is where this has stirred.
You see, I never got to graduate with my class. When we moved to California in 1981, I enrolled in high school there. I hated it. I remember going to Adolph Leuzinger high school. The classes had over 50 students in it, the material I was learning, I learned in 8th grade. The teacher had no control over the class and students were allowed to eat and drink and class and behave badly. I came from small town America. I was in a big city and the culture clashes were astonishing.
I wasn't used to going through metal detectors; I wasn't used to being pushed and shoved because I was 'small'. This experience kicked up my anxiety and panic attacks to the point that I couldn't go to school.
But, in California, you have to go until you were 18 unless you took a state test to get out early. Instead, I opted for night school. The classes were smaller and it was great. I completed the 11th grade. A sigh of relief.
When my family moved back to Massachusetts in August of that year, I went to my high school to re-enroll for September. I was excited to start classes again and graduate with my fellow classmates, many of whom I still kept in contact.
But, I received a blow from the guidance counselor; my transcript wouldn't be accepted because they do not recognize 'night school' as being legitimate. I had all the paperwork from my former school, all my grades on the transcript; it was all there.
If I wanted to return to the school, I would have to repeat the 11th grade all over again. I realize now that I should have fought that decision, but back then, I was mousy, shy and I trusted and believed what was told to me. My dream was crushed.
I was devastated. I cried for days. If I couldn't graduate with my former classmates. then what was the use going back? I struggled for all those years in high school and I wouldn't be allowed this one victory.
If it wasn't for my Aunt L, who got me into the GED program to take the test, I would have just wallowed in that pity party for awhile. But, I took the test and got my GED in January 1982. I had a good friend in high school who invited me to the senior banquet, the graduation and even to the 5th class reunion as her guest. In some small way, I got to be a part of it. That meant more to me than anything.
Through the wonders of social networking, I re-connected with some former classmates, but this secret that I carried for many years needs to come out. Why? Because the 30th reunion is this year and as much as I would love to go, I know I don't belong there. I have always wanted and needed to feel a part of something, and because of all my personal struggles in school, I thought that I could. But, I fear that they will 'find out' that I never really graduated with that class and the last thing I need at this stage of my life is to be called out as a 'fraud'.
I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. These struggles I had in high school only made me stronger. The opinions of a few teachers and guidance counselors only made me fight harder to prove to myself that I was...and am worthy of good things.
Maybe that is why I have made it my mission to empower others and to not let the word 'no' stop me. I didn't need to prove anything to them, but I needed to prove it to myself, and I continue to do it each day.
If you have struggled with letting the past stop you, don't. You will only give credence to what others feel is the truth. You know the truth inside of you. Let your light shine, live in the present and never ever allow anyone to make you feel inferior.
Light, Love and Gratitude,
Donna
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