Looking Toward the Future While Making Peace with the Past

Let me ask you this...do you hang onto birthday, anniversary, Christmas cards? Do you hang onto love notes and notes and cards from your kids?

I'm one of those people that do and although some people would say that is taking up more precious space, I prefer to hang onto those memories and mementos. When they asked me why, I just shrugged, not really having a ready answer.

Well, today I have an answer.

As we are preparing to physically move from our home of 14 years, it is mixed with sadness, peace, a bit of uneasiness and even some relief. This move has thrown us into the frenzy of cleaning out, clearing out and letting go of things we no longer need, want or use.

In handling this task, I have become overwhelmed with the memories that seem to crop up at just the sight of a Christmas ornament or a household item. Yes, I am sentimental at heart and no, I will not apologize for it. It's in my DNA. I come from a long line of emotional, sensitive and sentimental women. And, I am proud of that.

But, amidst the clearing out, the weeding out, or whatever you wish to call it, there comes a sense of closure. In my challenge to get things sorted out, I came across birthday cards from my dad that when given to me over the years, touched me. But reading them now, when he is no longer with us, gives me comfort. I read them and find a whole new meaning in the words that I didn't catch before.

The birthday cards from my mom, seeing her distinct handwriting tugs at my heart and makes me miss her even more. The little trinkets she gave me that when given to me, I never gave a second thought because I wasn't 'into' Angels and didn't understand her connection to them. Today, I don't know what I would have done these last several years without Divine Angelic Guidance. I think she knew that someday, I would 'get it'.

Then there are the notes my kids wrote me, the poetry they wrote and of course the apology notes from them for 'acting' up when they were teenagers. And then there is the letter from my daughter, married just 6 months and telling me in a letter that she was pregnant. When I re-read that letter, it made me sad because she thought I would be angry with her because they had not waited longer to start a family. Nothing could have been further from that perception; My joy and elation at welcoming a new life into this world is immeasurable.

Of course the love notes from my husband and the large stack of cards brought smiles, remembrance and joy to my soul. I laughed, I cried and I was reminded of how lucky I am.

Then there was the poetry I had written over the years. I have always dabbled in writing and poetry was no different. I could write a poem on any subject in just a few minutes. As I re-read some of my own writings and musings, I smiled and realized my own self-growth. I then 'heard' my dad reminding me in the way only he could do it with subtlety that I needed to get back to more writing.

I found the eulogy I wrote for my mom and also my dad. As I read them, I sobbed.  I remembered pouring my feelings into those memorials. I remember writing my mom's the day of the funeral at 3AM, because before then, I didn't think I could do it. I knew she was guiding me, because my mom always had faith in me. I just never had enough faith in myself.

Then I found a piece I wrote to my mom, but never had the chance to give her. I was going to give it to her on my 40th birthday. It was a tribute to my mom. When I found it amidst the paperwork I was going through, I hadn't remembered writing it. When I read it, I felt this immense sense of coming full circle. You see, my mom passed away on my 40th birthday and I never got to give it to her and so I didn't remember that I still had it. Until today.

I never got to tell her how special she was to me. I never got to tell her that even though I had alot of responsibility at a young age, and had resented it growing up, I understood it now and that it only made me a more independent woman because of it. Reading my words that I wrote in 2003 brought back a myriad of memories. It was during that tiny moment of clarity, of reading my own words to my mom that I realized that it wasn't too late to read it to her even though she is in the spirit world.

And so I did.

It helped me to let go of some pain I had been holding onto as well as helping me to see that no mother is perfect. Not even me. We make mistakes, we learn from them and we move on.

So if you are holding onto cards, notes, memories, mementos of your life, don't worry about having to explain why you keep them. Because years down the road, when you are cleaning things out, you will come across this treasure trove of memorabilia and you will find the missing pieces your soul has been yearning for as well as to make peace with the past while you move toward the future.

And at the very bottom of the storage tote was a tiny white wispy feather that reminded me that we are never ever truly alone.



With Gratitude, Donna